I have a problem. Whenever my best friend can't talk to me right now (because he understandably has a life and other friends and things to do) I fall apart. I act like a two year old and throw the biggest tantrum. I cry for the rest of the day and my thinking gets really irrational and I want to do is lie in bed and HURT him.
Which is very silly of course. I like that he has other stuff in his life because it makes him an interesting person, it means we have lots to talk about and discuss. I like it that he has other friends, because that reassures me that other people too see his amazingness and I am not alone in thinking highly of him.
And I am the first person to encourage him to be honest about when he needs time to himself (as all considerate people do) but why is it that when he does this I become a balloon that instantly deflates and lies crumpled on the floor?
Friday, October 2, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I believe in the good
I belive in the good. I believe in fairytales and happy endings. Not the cliche kind, but the real kind. I believe in god, and in miracles only God can bring. I believe not because I have experienced it myself but because I have to believe. Without it I am sunk.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Regression
So today I should have gone training given that yesterday I was so possessed by the idea of following through and executing my goals. However in the reality of today I didn't go training. Asthey say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Intentions that no doubt lay unfulfilled.
But what is fulfilment? Is it achieving the desired foreseen andf fore-planned result? Or is it in making the best of life, even when you have limited motivation? For example today I didn't go the gym but I had a lovely day with my very best friend, having a glimpse into a part of his life I had not known, then I went home and sorted through some things in an attempt to rid myself of less clutter, before going to work, which is and always has been something of a haven for me.
Should I beat myself up over what I didn't achieve, or should I praise myself for what I did? And how do I motivate myself to achieve the big goals so I don't drift off track..?
But what is fulfilment? Is it achieving the desired foreseen andf fore-planned result? Or is it in making the best of life, even when you have limited motivation? For example today I didn't go the gym but I had a lovely day with my very best friend, having a glimpse into a part of his life I had not known, then I went home and sorted through some things in an attempt to rid myself of less clutter, before going to work, which is and always has been something of a haven for me.
Should I beat myself up over what I didn't achieve, or should I praise myself for what I did? And how do I motivate myself to achieve the big goals so I don't drift off track..?
Friday, September 18, 2009
Kahlil Gibran
His words not mine...
"Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow. And he answered, 'Your joy is your sorrow unmasked...The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds the wine, the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow which is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeeping for that which has been your delight'.
Some of you say 'Joy is greater than sorrow' and others say, 'Nay sorrow is the greater' but I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come , and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed."
"Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow. And he answered, 'Your joy is your sorrow unmasked...The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds the wine, the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow which is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeeping for that which has been your delight'.
Some of you say 'Joy is greater than sorrow' and others say, 'Nay sorrow is the greater' but I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come , and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed."
Challenge 1: 10km run!
I've had twelve weeks to train for this run. Only after the first week I got the flu, and then in typical Michelle fashion, I gave up, thinking I had missed a week and obviously it would be too hard to catch up on one week's lost training.
Now with only two weeks left to train, I'm picking up my goal again and saying this is what I want to do so this is what I must do!
This will require me getting out of bed (which is possibly my most hated thing in the world) and I will mean I will have to eat good food to give me sufficient energy to do my work outs. And it will require pushing me more than I ever have before.
I think though that that is ok cos if I was fit I would seriously love to be a gym bunny.
Now with only two weeks left to train, I'm picking up my goal again and saying this is what I want to do so this is what I must do!
This will require me getting out of bed (which is possibly my most hated thing in the world) and I will mean I will have to eat good food to give me sufficient energy to do my work outs. And it will require pushing me more than I ever have before.
I think though that that is ok cos if I was fit I would seriously love to be a gym bunny.
Bruises on my soul...
It was 2001 when I first made the decision to give up. Before then it was never an option. As a kid I imagined myself a brave and fearless Australian sportsperson (I loved them because they ALWAYS won and on those rare occasions when they didn't they would show so much heart and pride and would do whatever it took, even bending the rules to help them succeed!)
But in 2001 my Dad, who had mentally unwell and unstable for some time, took things to a whole new level of crazy including locking us inside the house for one whole week, huddled in his bedroom, because people were "after us". During the year we lived in three different cities, I changed schools twice in my last year and had to change subjects all over the place each time, all the while trying to prevent my Dad from taking his life.
And I remember one day being in a history exam and just being like "what's the point?" so I put my pen down, and gazed out the window for the last hour. Now to understand this, you need to know that I loved history and I loved school. I didn't love it, I adored it...it was my outlet. I excelled there and that gave me confidence and made me secure. But on that day I dropped that security.
About a year later, I found all the pain in my life, all the bruises on my soul as I like to call them, began to feel too big for me to contain and I would cry for hours without solace. So began my journey into the realm of my own personal mental health.
That decision of giving up has haunted me ever since. I've been the person who has had a million jobs and studied a million things and given up on most of them. Now is the hour for me to reclaim my perseverance!
But in 2001 my Dad, who had mentally unwell and unstable for some time, took things to a whole new level of crazy including locking us inside the house for one whole week, huddled in his bedroom, because people were "after us". During the year we lived in three different cities, I changed schools twice in my last year and had to change subjects all over the place each time, all the while trying to prevent my Dad from taking his life.
And I remember one day being in a history exam and just being like "what's the point?" so I put my pen down, and gazed out the window for the last hour. Now to understand this, you need to know that I loved history and I loved school. I didn't love it, I adored it...it was my outlet. I excelled there and that gave me confidence and made me secure. But on that day I dropped that security.
About a year later, I found all the pain in my life, all the bruises on my soul as I like to call them, began to feel too big for me to contain and I would cry for hours without solace. So began my journey into the realm of my own personal mental health.
That decision of giving up has haunted me ever since. I've been the person who has had a million jobs and studied a million things and given up on most of them. Now is the hour for me to reclaim my perseverance!
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